Jodi K. Morris

…as I know it.

I am my own worst critic. After replaying a situation over and over again in my head, I will realize where I made my error in judgement. This mental board meeting is usually followed by some derogatory name calling, feelings of foolishness, maybe a quart of ice cream and a nap. When enough time has passed for my strong inner self to conquer my weak insecure self, I am able to see the lesson in it and give myself a bit of grace. But I never really know how much time that battle between selves is going to take.

How can I close that gap of time so that I do not spend hours, days, or even months reeling over my failures or mistakes?

I chalked this internal battle up to ego. My ego is apparently under the impression that I should not be capable of such common human errors. Like trusting a friend that was not actually a friend at all, taking a risk on a business idea that does not pan out, or making the oxytocin induced decision to get yet another puppy. Instead, my ego will tell me “You should’ve known better.” or “When are you going to learn?” or “Why do you keep making the same mistakes over and over again?” My ego voice is not nice.

I eventually get sick and tired of my ego bully and start to hear another internal voice that begins to defend me. This kinder voice says “You’re not psychic. How could you have known?” or “I’m proud of you for being brave enough to start that business and giving it all you had.” or “There is always room in your heart & home for another puppy.” This is my voice of grace. She usually comes in like a quick apology, then we move on.

How can I replace these two polar opposites with an internal guide that is more helpful?

I have been told that there is only one way to do this. I have to get out of the way entirely and allow my spiritual voice total control. This is a constant practice. First, I have to learn how to connect with my spiritual voice. This comes with the practice of prayer and meditation. In those deeper moments of connecting with the spirit of God, I am able to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit. How do I know it’s the Holy Spirit you ask? It’s a great deal wiser than me and is usually saying something to me that I would never say to myself.

In my effort to close the gap between my two extremes, I have been practicing meditation to quiet all of my internal chatter. I start by closing my eyes and imagining a black room with a small light at the back of the room. I focus only on the light and block out all sound. Once I have cleared out all of the clutter, I say a prayer asking God to guide (or reset, hold, lead) me. He always does. Then, he reminds me to live in the present and plan for better days ahead.

I have been practicing prayer and meditation for years and am so thankful when I hear the Holy Spirit guiding/leading me. I’m not perfect at it. I’m probably a C+ student if I am being generous. Or is that my ego breaking through again?