Jodi K. Morris

~a bit about grief & loss~

GRIEF & LOSS … How does anyone survive loss?  It feels impossible.  There is so much information out there, so many “experts”, everyone has an opinion on how you should (fill in the blank). I have read so many books and listened to so many “experts” on this subject in the effort to heal myself over the years.  I have learned a few things, some from others and the rest through trial and error.  Two things are for sure., there is no magic trick or shortcut to healing and it will take as much time as it takes.  We are not the same people ever again.  Grief changes us.  And through it, we grow stronger than we could have ever imagined.  It is interesting how one can feel like a superhero just by getting up and out of bed some days.  The goal is to grieve, breathe, and heal.  

A Few Tips on Surviving Grief & Loss:

• Find a place that grounds you …a long shower, prayer closet/worship music, gardening/getting your hands in the dirt, floating in the lake/pool.  Find that place that seems to lighten the weight of your pain or at least redirect it for a moment while you recharge.
• Let your friends & family help you.  It is the great internal debate of who you can kind-of tolerate enough to let help you.  People take energy so choose wisely, but you do need occasional help.  Doing it alone takes much longer and is only more difficult.
• You must take care of your body.  You need to rest/sleep, eat (healthy if you can), drink plenty of water, take a good vitamin, get a little sun, etc.
• It is tempting to use a negative coping mechanism to try and relieve some of the pain like alcohol, marijuana, valium, ice cream, etc.  In excess, these will only create more problems for you.
• Find a therapist to talk to.  Journaling will help you process your feelings.
• Take everything to the cross.  God is big enough for all your emotions.  He has been watching humans do life since the beginning of time. Your pain, anger, fear, doubts, sadness, and secrets are not going to shock him. Remember that He loves you dearly and will help you heal.

                    People will say the most unbelievable things to you during this time.   Some comments will make you angry, some will break your heart, but most people just offer their condolences.  There are those who will say nothing, the people who never acknowledge your loss.  There are those who say way too much and nervously ramble on and on.  Vulnerability is hard for some people.  You get to decide how to respond.  Do you want to offer that person grace, or let them know how awful their comment was?  It is completely up to you.  Just know that you will probably end up with a few less friends in your near future.  The good news is that you will also come to learn those who love you unconditionally. 

                    Letting others be there for you can be difficult.  The people who have endured loss are usually the best responders.  They know how to show up, what to do, and when to leave.  I hope you have one or two of these people in your life.   Not having help with any of it just feels different., it is lonelier, harder.  But can be more peaceful as well.  There is no “one way” to deal with loss, there are many.  

SHAME & FEAR … Life-altering changes provoke fear.  Permanent loss involves many life-altering changes.  These fears most often show up as questions.   Those “what if” questions.  This type of fear is miserable.  It is understandable to experience fear that might help save your life, but all other fear is usually a rabbit hole of imagined drama.

               It can sometimes be helpful to journal, or talk to your therapist, about your fears.  Follow your fear through each scenario and list the possible outcomes.  Try and come up with reasonable solutions to each outcome.  If you are experiencing a strong fear, try to write down a plan to deal with this possible scenario. 

Fears can also show up as distractions from your loss.  They shift you out of depression into adrenaline charged thinking.  Pay attention to those emotions that want to hijack your mind. Are you really feeling this emotion or are you distracting yourself with imagined scenarios?

Shame enters in at times and tells you that you are not doing enough, or you are doing too much of something.  Shame is a judgy little voice in our heads.  It can also be an indicator that you are out of balance somewhere.  If you are feeling shame, you know why.  Maybe you need to give yourself permission to be out of balance for a while.  Or perhaps you have just become aware of something you can work on that will help you have better days.

WHAT HAPPENED & WHY … Deciding your story is a journey.  The story of what happened will be slightly different over time as your brain is able to recall and decide what it believes.  The reason this happens is that your brain is incapable of dealing with every painful memory at once.  It is the brain’s way of protecting you.  Your mind may create untruths that you hold onto for a while.  Trauma is often out of focus in the beginning.  Time will clear things up for you.

Grief is defined as the emotions that follow loss.   Loss is the event, the person or thing you lost.  Grief is the way you feel about that. Once you understand what happened, the event, then you can start to truly grieve it.

                    Understanding why it happened often takes longer to work out.  Some folks never make peace with this question because there is no satisfactory answer for why they are without the person or thing they lost.  It’s your loss, therefore you are the only person who can answer this question.  God can often get the blame, but remember he is for you not against you.  Regardless, God is big enough for all your emotions.

RITUALS & CEREMONIES … Birthdays, death dates, anniversary dates…there are so many dates that can cause you pain.  Rituals and ceremonies can be an amazing way to honor what you have lost in a beautiful way.  A great example is The Day of the Dead, a Mexican ritual that is practiced on November first and second to celebrate the dead.  You can create your own rituals and ceremonies that are personal to you.  Other examples are visiting the burial site, saying a prayer and/or lighting a candle, planting a tree, etc.

                    The ceremony directly follows the death.  Some people choose to host a celebratory ceremony, more of a party.  While others prefer to have time for everyone to mourn the loss.  Rituals are created for an anniversary date, birthday, or death date.  They are personal words and actions that honor the person/pet/thing you have lost.  You can use one/some personal possessions, and/or create an altar of pictures with flowers. 

REST & BREATHE … As time passes by, life can start to get busy again followed by a bad habit of running on fumes.  Being busy is also a great distraction.  Try to remember that you are healing.  If you broke your back, you would need several months of rehabilitation before slowly allowing yourself to take on certain chores/tasks.  A broken heart is just as serious as a broken back.  Remember to take time to rest.  

                    You do not have to perform like anyone else.  Sometimes your sadness can make others uncomfortable, and in their effort to “fix” you they will push you to “get back out there”.  Only you can determine your pace in this life.  Do not allow others to push you if you are not ready.  Sometimes a little push is helpful, but you always get to decide.

                    Grief can feel like a fifty-pound rock you are caring around.  It is a mental workout!  And it does help to take deep full breaths very often.  That heavy rock never really goes away but you will notice how much stronger you get over the years.  Learn a few breathing exercises that you are comfortable doing daily.  It is a small thing that will turn out to be an amazing tool in your toolchest.

SOUL SCARS … I am not sure if I made up this term or heard it somewhere, but I definitely know what it means.  Once you have endured permanent loss, been overtaken by the tears and pain, fought through years of healing, your soul carries a nasty scar from it.  It is always there like a memorial tattoo.  That scar holds every memory for you.  

STRENGTH & COURAGE … Someday you will find the strength to laugh again.  Then, you will gain enough courage to live again.  Hopefully you have loved ones that have never let you forget in the first place.  But I know that is often not the case.  Sometimes you have to make yourself find that one thing that forces you to laugh again.  Maybe it’s your favorite comedian, a silly sitcom, SNL skits, or adorable animal videos.  Whatever it is, you may have to force it upon yourself.

               A long duration of sadness will often chase people away and being alone can feel peaceful.  But the truth is we need other people in our lives.  You will eventually have to join life again.  The good news is that you get to set your own pace.   If you get together with a friend once a month, or join a book club, it’s completely up to you.  It takes an incredible amount of courage to do this.  But you can do hard things!